A Young Man Mourning a Father's Death
This is email exchange between Baruch Elitzur PhD. and an Israeli young man he never met.
Greetings Dr. Baruch Elitzur
I am fifteen (15) years old. Five months ago my father passed away from cancer. During the "shiva (the first seven days of
mourning) I seemed to be sort of "fine." Friends visited as well as many people. I had no time to deeply delve into what happened and understand it properly. My father's death was expected. He was hospitalized for five months and during the last ones his condition deteriorated until the day he died. Because his death was expected but we didn't know when it would actually happen, I was under tremendous stress for a long time. During that time I felt abandoned by my mother, even though I completely understood that it was illogical and that she did not abandon me. She was by his side because he needed her, so I have nothing bad to say about her. It just made me feel bad. During that period I often stayed with my aunt, my mother's sister. She was like a second mother to me. I would often run to her house because each phone call at home stressed me. With each ring my heart missed a beat. Not knowing when it will happen was the most difficult time of my life and destroyed me internally. Today I am left with great anxiety, I have uncontrollable tantrums and I am angry all of the time. Every part of my body shakes and I have back and stomach aches and pain. I will be happy to hear your response as soon as possible.
Thank you, Chaim
Dr. Elitzur's Response:
Greetings Chaim,
I am willingly responding to you and will help you cope with the difficult feelings of anger and anxiety that are normal during the period of mourning.
First, allow me to respond to your email to me. The fact that you shared your feelings with me so openly is the first step. The most important thing is to restore your physical and mental health. Your writing proves your real desire to cope with the painful mourning symptoms and return to normal life. This is not easy, but I will try to help you and follow up with you in writing during this hard time. You are undergoing normal mourning symptoms that are typical to people who experienced loss. Many books and articles have been written on this subject, and I will try to summarize some for you. There are four stages of mourning that are common in this population, even though each person experiences it in different intensity.
These are:
The Denial Stage: We feel confused and it is hard to understand and accept the loss. You described it very well when you said: "During the "Shiva" I seemed to be sort of "fine." Friends visited as well as many people. I had no time to deeply delve into what happened and understand it properly."
Anxiety and Anger Stage: We are angry with the person who left us alone. Occasionally the anger is toward God, or fate. There are people who repress the anger toward the departed person and express this anger toward the surroundings. This is what appears to me is happening to you. There are people whose anger is mixed with fear of losing additional close relatives, or the fear of being left alone. Again you expressed it very well when you wrote: "Today I am left with great anxiety, I have uncontrollable tantrums and I am angry all of the time. Every part of my body shakes and I have back aches and stomach pain."
Depression and Mourning Stage: During this stage we feel a deep sense of grief, depression and we isolate. The Jewish religion recognizes three mourning stages: the first is short and intense, called "Shiva" (seven days), the second a little longer and less intense called "Shloshim" (thirty days), and the third is during the first year, when the mourner remembers the departed for several
hours and returns to the period of Shiva.
Acceptance Stage. This is the final stage of parting from a close person. We learn to accept and resign to the loss and return to routine. During this stage we remember the man that died and return for few moments to the previous stages of mourning. We occasionally feel the pain, anger, anxiety and depression.
Let's begin processing your intricate feelings of mourning due to the loss of your father. My suggestion is that you write a heartfelt
letter to your father and send it to me only, without showing it to anyone. Write to him with honesty all you felt during the period of
mourning. Write to him, with honesty, about your mixed feelings; your anger that he became ill and abandoned the family, your anxieties and fear of growing up without a father; and about any other feeling you may have.
In addition, I recommend that you read the chapter entitled "Mourning A Loss" in my website, and start practicing the various methods of relaxation described, especially "Deep Breathing" as well as "Muscle Relaxation." Listen each day to one of the various relaxation
recordings available on this site. Most importantly do not hold back your anger, express it assertively but not aggressively. If you say something aggressively, after you calm down, apologize for how you expressed yourself, but not for the reason for your anger. Say to the person you hurt "I am sorry that I expressed myself that way, but I was angry with you for........"
Write to me within a week or so and tell me if you succeeded in implementing my recommendations.
I wish you all the best,
Baruch Elitzur PhD.
Chaim's response:
Greetings Dear Dr. Baruch Elitzur.
I attentively read the chapters in your website. It helped me in understanding myself better. I put into action the breathing relaxation technique every day, and it helped me very much in controlling my tantrums and anger. Each day I listen to each one of the relaxation tapes in the site and it helps me relax and sleep better at night. I introduced your site to my mother and my two brothers and suggested that they too do the breathing exercises, read the chapters and listen to the tapes. This also helps them tremendously. As to your request, I am attaching the letter I wrote to my father. It was very hard for me to do so, but when I finished I felt as though a huge stone was lifted
from my heart.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Chaim
This is the letter I wrote to my father:
Dear Abba (Father):
There is no other person in the world who loved you as I did. You are my father!!!!! The saddest thing is that I will never call you "Abba" directly again, and even if I do, you will not answer or come back to me. I am only 15 years old. How could you leave me at such a young age when I need you here!!! Do you understand how much I miss you? I didn't get a chance to get to know you as well as my two older brothers did. With them you went through all their phases of development. You supported them when they were drafted into the army and when they went to college. What's with me? Am I not worthy of encouragement and support? Don't I deserve to have you see me graduate high school and enlist in the army? Didn't you love me? How could you leave me? It is incomprehensible. I will never in my life forget what a wonderful father you were. The mere fact that I have to write "you were" eats me up inside. You pampered and hugged me when I was a little boy. Your death was unbearable. I am so sorry that you needed to suffer all the stages of this terrible disease. You are the last person who deserves such a thing! I want time to stand still, so that I will be able to "reverse the wheel" and perhaps be in your company a little longer until I understand what you were going through. You know, I see your car in the garage and I automatically think to myself "Abba is home." It is so sad that this is not the case. When I take the train, you are supposed to sit by my side, but you are not there! I can't believe it. I don't want to believe that you are not with me. You know, since you left I can't stop thinking about death, and I am scared. I don't know why, but I am scared. I am afraid that someone else will leave me and I will remain alone. I am sorry that I can't go to the graveyard to visit you there, I simply can't. Not now. Promise me that you are taking care of me from the heavens above. Please return!!! Please return.... I miss
you.... I love you.... come back to me Abba... one last hug and then go away.
Thank you Dr. Elitzur for your great help.
Chaim
Dr. Elitzur's response:
Shalom Chaim.
I am glad that the Deep Breathing and the relaxation recordings are helping you. You can continue using these techniques in the future and at times that other matters will upset you. I read your letter to your father intently. I am glad that you expressed your deepest feelings. I recommend that each time painful feelings will arise and bother you, write to him personally without showing it to anyone. Please share with me, in about a month, how you feel.
All the best.
Baruch Elitzur PhD.
Chaim's response:
Dear Dr. Elitzur:
I am very, very grateful to you for your great help. I am back to myself and even improved. I am not having tantrums, but am speaking assertively. I sleep well at night and I am also doing well in my studies.
All the best to you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help.
Chaim